Play it again, Naruto!
by dogbertcarroll
Summary: Naruto learns that interrupting a kinjutsu by flipping off Sasuke while still molding the chakra for the jutsu was a bad idea, but possibly a great one as well.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: If I actually owned any anime series I'd hire people to write fanfiction for me!

* * *

**Awaken as me**

Naruto stared at his surroundings dumbly.

He'd been performing one of his favorite jutsu when suddenly everything had gone wrong.

He supposed interrupting a kin-jutsu by flipping off Sauske while still molding the chakra for the jutsu was a bad idea.

Everything looked almost three times its normal size and he was in the middle of the village.

'I managed to shrink myself and Teleport away from my team. Great, just great! With my luck the council'll try to declare me a missing nin like last time and I was only in the bathroom last time! When I become hokage I'm going to make them all listen to Sauske angst about his life and give his avenger speech in a locked room with no way out. Five hours of that'll break anyone!'

Naruto absently batted a thrown rock back at it's thrower without looking. A stream of curses filled the air behind him, as he stood there trying to figure out how he was going to fix this screw-up. Another rock thrown at him was batted back, along with half a brick and an empty sake bottle.

The mutters and curses were now coming from several directions and rising in volume, but he continued ignoring them as he tried to figure out how he was going to explain to his teammates how he had managed to escape certain death and made it home before them. They were sure to think he was dead and after they got over the fact that he was alive they'd probably kill him for making them worry.

'Temari and Hinata are great teammates but they sure are dangerous when you upset them.'

A crowd had gathered around the distracted nin and the number of items flung at him had increased. Naruto batted back most of the items, ignoring the ones that would miss on their own and pocketing anything useful, like kunais and shurikens, cause you never know when they'll come in handy and it always pissed off his opponents.

'They're a bit forgetful too. It seemed like they always forgot their tents and sleeping bags on long missions, so they had to share with me.' Not that he minded. He wasn't a pervert like Ero-sensei, but he wasn't neutered like Kabuto either.

'I swear that guy really knows how to hold a grudge. I've apologized every time we fight and he still goes berserk. I'd never intentionally rasengan someone there, well… maybe Orochimaru, but no one else.'

Shaking off the queasy sensation he always got, thinking of the missing nin's missing parts, Naruto returned the latest volley and pocketed a couple more throwing weapons and stuck a kodachi in the ground next to him, still lost in thought and ignoring the negligible threat of a large group of pissed off civilians.

'The girls have been acting really strange, ever since they beat up Kakashi sensei and took away his latest Ichi Ichi Paradise novel, Ichi Ichi 26: Three for The road. I wonder where the old pervert got the idea for it from? He came along on the last Snow mission and then rushed off to write it, but we didn't go near any bath houses and he always claimed he needed them for inspiration.'

Naruto was shaken from his thoughts as several Anbu begin breaking up the riot that had formed around him. Staring at the number of wounded and groaning civilians, he realized that **this** was a much more immediate problem.

The third hokage appeared in a swirl of leaves next to Naruto. "What is the meaning of this?"

Silence descended upon the crowd, before one of them yelled out that the brat had attacked them.

Naruto blinked, taking in the faces of the people around him, many of whom he knew had died during the sound invasion. Hell, the third hokage being alive and well alone let him know something was up.

'Well, at least Hinata and Temari aren't going to kill me. I wonder if you can get in trouble for breaking the laws of time and space?'

He wondered briefly why he wasn't really shocked or surprise, before remembering he had an immortal demon in his belly button. Everything else was fairly tame in comparison to that little fact.

"Well, Naruto?"

"Huh?"

The hokage sighed, "What happened here?"

Naruto shrugged and begin reporting events, as Tsunade had managed to pound into his head was required for all nin, especially ones who were going to be hokage.

"Well... the guy dressed in brown over there threw a rock at my head..."

"I was behind you! You couldn't have seen me!" The obviously not very bright man interrupted, before realizing he'd just admitted his guilt.

Naruto shrugged, "The window of the bakery reflects everything behind me. Anyway, I batted it back and he starts whining like a little girl and then a couple more people start throwing things, so I bat them back and even more people start throwing things. Only their aim isn't so good and they hit other people on the other side of me. So soon people are throwing things at me from all sides. I tried to protect myself by blocking stuff and wondered how I was going to get out of this."

"What were you doing before all this happened?" Sarutobi asked, hoping there wasn't a reason for the villagers to have begun the assault.

The time lost nin shrugged. "I was standing here wondering..."

"Wondering what, Naruto?" The old man asked kindly.

"I was wondering why everybody hated me." Naruto said piteously, remembering that this was indeed what he was doing the first time he'd gone through this.

"Well, Naruto..." The hokage began, wondering how he was going to cover this.

"You ain't gotta say nuthin' old man." Naruto replied, "They already told me."

"What?!?!" Killing intent filled the square as his eyes swept the crowd, searching for the guilty party. Denials and cringes met his glare, but no one admitted anything.

Naruto waved off the denials. "No one said anything straight out, but they yelled enough of the bits that it all fit together."

He started pointing to people in the crowd as he explained. "They yelled about me being a demon, all those people over there yelled about me being _the__fox_. Several of them over there yelled Kyubi. That nin over their yelled 'Die demon fox, die.' and the silver haired one with the glasses muttered 'So that's the vessel' So put it all together, along with my only memory of my father and it was easy to figure out."

Naruto nodded absently to himself. "Oh, and those three Anbu over their stood around watching people throw things at me until they began to hit other people and then they stepped in to break things up."

The three Anbu quailed under the hokage's glare.

"Father?" Asked the young silver haired, glasses wearing nin, figuring he was already in over his head, so he might as well find out what he could.

Naruto nodded and lied his ass off. "Yeah, he had blonde hair and blue eyes just like me, but he was wearing that weird hat thing the old man always wears and he told me the he was sorry to lay the burden on me, but he couldn't ask another family to bear it and that he was proud of me and that one day I would be a great hokage."

The old man laid a hand on Naruto's shoulder. "So that's why you want to be hokage."

Naruto nodded and played it for all it was worth. "I want my pop to be proud of me."

The hokage sighed heavily. "I'm sorry you had to learn about it like this Naruto, but I'm sure the Yondaime would be very proud of you, even if you never get to be hokage. His final wish was that you be treated like a hero."

"What does the Yondaime have to do with my father?" Naruto asked, pretending to be confused, but glad that the old man was playing along with him. Shikamaru had suggested that fooling the civilians into thinking he was related to the fourth could have gotten them off his back when he was a kid, but he'd never suspected he'd get a chance to try it out.

His eyes widened as the hokage's eyes met his own. The old man wasn't just playing along with him, he was serious. The Yondaime was his father!

"The Yondaime was my father!? What the hell was my mother, the product of a forbidden love affair between a Hyuga and a Uchiha?" Naruto exclaimed facetiously, naming the two most famous bloodlines that the village had.

At the hokage's terse nod, Naruto's mind decided it had, had enough for one day and shutdown.

The entire crowd watched the small boy freeze up, his eyes staring at nothing. Despite the hokage's attempts he couldn't be roused.

"Well, that went well." The hokage muttered as he picked up the boy.

"This is a class five military secret. Anyone talking or writing about this will be executed, no exceptions!"


	2. Chapter 2

**AN:** If you notice any errors send me a PM and I'll see about fixing them.

Remember to review, it encourages me to write more.

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**A pot of tea or vice versa**

Sarutobi sipped his tea in quiet contemplation. 'Naruto truly is an astonishing boy. He managed to put together nearly everything from a string of hurled curses and threats and what he hadn't been able to figure out, he tricked me into revealing.'

The tension eased from his shoulders as he poured himself another cup. 'Something doesn't quite add up. Where did he get the information on his parents and why was he so surprise to find out it was true? The only person who knew all the facts was me and I know I didn't tell him.'

The old man rubbed his temples, feeling every one of his years weighing heavily on him for a moment, before another sip of tea eased his mind. 'A teacher really shouldn't outlive his students,' The Hokage snorted and grinned. 'It makes it impossible to foist all the responsibilities off on them and enjoy your remaining years being a dirty old man.'

Draining half his cup in one swallow he considered his favorite student fondly. 'Arashi was everything I could've hoped for in a student. He learned everything I taught him and figured out all the rest that can not be taught, but must be learned all the same.'

His thoughts drifted to his other students, The Sanin, each of whom held great promise in their day.

The Slug Sanin, Tsunade, who would have been an excellent candidate for hokage. If only events hadn't driven her to drinking and gambling to hide from her pain. 'At the very least she could have taught me that permanent henge she uses, so I could cruise the bars during my off hours.'

The Toad Sanin, Jiraiya, wouldn't have been a bad hokage, if not for the fact that he seemed to have skipped the hokage stage and gone straight to dirty old man while still in his teens.

The hokage chuckled to himself. 'Not that I can blame him.' It was a proven fact that as your chakra reserves grew so did certain other parts of the body. 'With great power, comes great... attributes and following on it's heels was great lust. If the genin realized why we taught them so much about chakra control before we taught them about how to expand their own chakra reserves...'

He shook off thoughts about an epic disaster in the making, only to find himself thinking about an epic disaster of the past. "Orochimaru..."

He'd had the potential to be a good hokage, if you discounted the whole 'meddling in things man was not meant to know' and personally the hokage knew of several kages that had even more twisted hobbies.

"If he'd just asked we could have let him work in Torture & Interrogation."

There were always people who, for one reason or another, needed to be removed from society's protection and Orochimaru could have combined work and play with no moral repercussions whatsoever.

'I wonder if I could trick him into taking the job?'

Naruto awoke with a start, as the feeling of a herd of elephants running over his grave in spiked shoes hit him. "What?"

Sarutobi smiled and pushed a cup of tea into Naruto's hands. "Here, drink this. It'll make you feel better."

The old man listened to Naruto mumble incoherently about snake faced pedophiles and needing to do something nice for Kabuto and wondering if Itachi wiping out the Uchiha clan really was all that bad, since every Sharingan user in existence was completely nuts.

Taking another sip of his tea he considered Naruto's strange behavior and knowledge once more. 'How did he know who his parents were and why was he stunned nearly catatonic to find out it was true? How did he know of Orochimaru's attraction to young boys? Why did he refer to Kabuto as 'that silver haired glasses wearing nin' in the street, but now knows his name and seems to think he owes him a favor? What Uchiha massacre?'

The hokage watched Naruto drain his cup and slowly topple over with a huge grin on his face and glazed eyes. Frowning he leaned over and sniffed the empty cup. 'Great, just great. My new secretary mistook my 'herbs' for herbal tea. No wonder the poor boy passed out. It's got quite a kick. Now, what the hell was I just thinking about?'

The old man just leaned back and sipped his tea, wondering why a faint alarm bell was ringing in the back of his mind. 'Something about the Uchihas. Man are they a big pain in the ass. I really just wish someone would come in and waste the lot of them. Didn't Naruto mention something about Itachi doing that? He's such a great guy. Not only is he highly skilled, but he also anticipates my needs. I wonder if he'd like to be hokage?'

Sarutobi drained his cup and poured another one, already well past stoned and entering the expanded mental state called 'Look at my hand, isn't it weird?'.

However the quiet contemplation of the wonder that was his hand wasn't to be, for just as began to examine it, Kakashi burst in. "Sir, we may have a major problem. Itachi Uchiha's partner was found dead and Itachi is missing. The evidence points to Itachi having some sort of psychotic break and murdering him. If that's true, then we have a rogue Anbu on our hands."

The old man stretched and yawned, before prodding Naruto with is foot. "Come on, Yondaime Jr. It's time to visit the clan of the Emos."

Naruto blinked and stared at the hokage, not nearly as stoned, but still way past the legal limit for a preteen. "The Hyugas?"

"Nah the stick-in-the-ass clan is fine. We're off to see the Uchihas."

Naruto pouted and tears welled up in his eyes. "The entire village hates me and I have a demon locked in my belly button, haven't I suffered enough?"

The old man chuckled. "Relax, most of them should be dead by the time we get there."

Naruto's eyes dried up instantly. "Oh, that's ok then, let's go. Can we stop for some ramen and pick up some Pocky on the way? It's Itachi's birthday and I'm a bit hungry."

"Sure, I could go for a bite myself."

Kakashi stared speechless at the duo's response to the emergency, but before he could say anything they both vanished in a swirl of fragrant green leaves.

"What the hell just happened?"

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Itachi grinned crazily at the corpses splayed out around him. 'All the weaklings who dared call themselves ninjas are dead. A quick run through the compound should take care of the rest, leaving me and Sasuke the last two Uchihas. He is a bit of whiner though, but it's not like he'd reject my generosity. I don't know what I'd do if he did that.' 


	3. Chapter 3

**The Mary-Sue-Sharingan Revealed!**

The old man watched with amusement as Naruto ate. The speed and volume of food Naruto had managed to put away was impressive.

Saturobi had tried to keep up with him, but was forced to bow out after five bowls, while Naruto had just grinned and kept on eating. Chuckling to himself, the old man packed his pipe and lit up.

He knew he was forgetting something, but a couple of puffs on his pipe solved that problem. It didn't help him remember what he'd forgotten, but it did silence the portion of his brain that cared. 'If it was important they'd send someone to remind me.'

**-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-**

"What, you dare spurn my generosity? Fine, then witness the death of the Uchiha clan, over and over, for the next seventy two hours!"

**-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-**

The sixth annual celebration of the defeat of the Kyuubi was in full swing.

Occasionally a drunken idiot stumbled into Ichiraku's Ramen shop, after hearing rumors that the demon was there, but Sarutobi's new hobby of making drunks piss themselves and pass out in terror, by focusing his killing intent on them, kept things quiet.

Naruto had broken all the ramen eating records set by the Akimichi clan and was only one bowl away from achieving one of his life long dreams; consuming his own body weight in ramen in one sitting.

Naruto stared at the bowl that Ichiraku placed in front of him with a flourish. Could he do it? Could he really accomplish one of his life's goals at the age of six?

The diners had watched in awe as the blond haired blur had torn through ramen like a katon jutsu through toilet paper. Normally more then a few of them would have muttered and glared at the boy, rather then cheering him on as they were doing, but a feeling of peace and brotherhood filled the room, as did the smoky haze from the Hokage's pipe.

**-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-**

"Is that all you've got?" Sasuke snorted derisively. "I won't break that easily!" The dark haired little boy refused to give his murderous older brother the satisfaction of seeing him break.

"Really? Then I guess it's time to stop playing with you. Enjoy seventy two hours of nothing but boy band concerts!" Itachi grinned evilly.

"Nooooooooooooo!!!" The boy's broken wail echoed through the compound, causing the survivors to huddle together in terror.

**-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-**

"For eating your weight in ramen I award you the golden ticket. From now on all your meals here are free!" Ichiraku presented the golden ticket to Naruto amidst the crowd's cheers.

"Sorry, old man, I can't accept it. I'd eat you out of house and home in a matter of weeks. Instead of giving it to me, how about putting it on the wall and if some young kid comes in one day, hungry but without the money to pay for a bowl, you give him one on me?" Naruto finished with a grin.

The crowd cheered as the chef shared a smile with Naruto, remembering how they'd met the year before and he'd gained his loyalist customer.

The head of the Akimichi clan sniffed and wiped his eyes with a napkin, vowing to write a book about this beautiful scene.

"Excuse me, sir? We're still waiting for your decision on what to do about the Itachi situation." An unnamed ANBU with a crow mask nudged the Hokage, who'd been cheering along with everyone else.

"The old man stretched and stood up. "Naruto, have you got the package?"

Naruto picked up a scroll almost as big as he was. "Got it!"

"Then it's time to take care of the Uchiha situation."

**-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-**

A line of drool ran down Sasuke's chin and his eyes had a semi-vacant expression, but still he refused to bend. "I wont give up." He said in a hollow voice.

"Then you leave me no choice, seventy two hours of women's programming and talk shows. May god have mercy on your soul!"

**-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-**

"Where were we going again?" Naruto asked, the smoke from the Hokage's pipe effecting him nearly as much as the tea had. He could swear he heard a very deep voice muttering about wanting kibbles and bits.

"To give, Itachi Uchiha a little surprise." The Hokage grinned evilly, causing the nearby ANBU to shudder.

Naruto hoisted the scroll onto his shoulder and grinned. "Package ready to deliver!"

With a swirl of fragrant green leaves they were gone, leaving a crowd of ramen patrons who suddenly felt hungry and didn't know why.

Itachi poked Sasuke's fallen form with a stick (SOP from the ANBU training guide). 'I may have overdone it with that last bit.'

He whirled around as he heard two figures land behind him. Ignoring the smaller one for the moment he locked eyes with the larger one and called out, "Tsukuyomi!"

**Seventy two subjective hours of pain and torture later…**

Itachi panted and fell to one knee. The Mangekyo Sharingan was an unbeatable advantage, but it also ate chakra like nothing he'd ever seen before. Still, defeating the Hokage was worth the cost.

Itachi raised his head and blinked at the puff of smoke the Hokage blew into his eyes.

"Don't be such a buzz-kill. Just for that, you don't get to be the next Hokage." Sarutobi announced and took another long drag off his pipe, blowing more smoke in the insane Uchiha's face.

"Sorry," Itachi apologized, bowing his head for a moment after taking a look at the two. 'Their eyes are like pits of darkness lined with blood. It must be a counter for the Mangekyo Sharingan!'

Naruto yawned, revealing his longer then normal, for anyone but a Inuzuka, incisors and smacked the side of his head to try and get rid of the voice singing 'I feel pretty'.

Itachi's gaze was drawn to Naruto's for a moment. 'Of course! The Kyuubi must have given them a counter for it. Shit! There's no way I can defeat the Hokage without the Mangekyo Sharingan.'

The old man chuckled, "Don't sweat it. If I'd just slaughtered a clan of ninja I'd be a bit tense too."

"Umm, thank you?" Itachi ventured, not sure what was going on. 'Shouldn't he be angry?', but beginning to relax a little.

"So, Naruto, what should we do about this?" Sarutobi turned to the diminutive demon container next to him, figuring Naruto knew more about what was going on then he did… somehow.

Naruto smiled and handed the massive scroll to Itachi.

"What is this," Itachi asked. "Is this the scroll of forbidden jutsus?"

"Happy Birthday, Itachi! I know it must suck, having to share your birthday with me and the bastard fox, so I sealed the village's entire pocky supply into one huge scroll!" Naruto's grin took up half his face. He knew Itachi loved pocky the way Naruto loved ramen, so he'd have to love this gift.

Itachi felt his eyes tearing up. No one had ever given him a gift like this before. No matter how hard he'd worked to make his clan proud of him, they'd always pawned off cheap Kyuubi death day gifts on him or forgot altogether.

That was the true reason he'd destroyed his clan. He had given them everything and even his own father had given him nothing but t-shirts that read 'I saw the Kyuubbi's death and all I got was this lousy t-shirt'.

Itachi's best friend had given him a cheap plastic fox mask today and he'd just snapped and killed him. Arriving home with blood still dripping from his hands, everyone had wished him a happy death day and the only one who'd wished him a happy birthday was Sasuke. It was at that point he knew they all had to die, everyone but Sasuke, even if he had spurned Itachi's generosity, he at least had always wished him a happy birthday.

Itachi's eyes changed to a clear blue that mirrored Naruto's own natural eye color. "Thank you, Uzumaki-sama. I have never received a gift like this before, usually I just get death day souvenirs."

"I hear ya, all I ever get is weapons from everyone, but the old man here and Ichiraku." Naruto said with a grin.

"People throwing weapons at you don't really mean them as gifts, but that does explain how you got so talented at catching them." The Hokage nodded to himself, he'd overlooked Naruto's skill at catching things thrown at him earlier, this was a village of ninja after all, but he was sure it would have bugged him later when he'd thought of it, Naruto was just a child, but this explained things nicely.

Itachi winced. 'He's had it worse then I have, but what can I give him that could compare to this… greatest of all gifts?'

His eyes darted around the complex, taking in the numerous dead ninja and huddled and frightened women. 'Of course! I was planning on killing them, it's not like Sasuke would ever have a use for them…' He was pretty sure he'd turned his little brother gay with what he'd done to him.

"I can't thank you enough, but let me give you something in return. I know it's not nearly as grand as what you've given me, but I give to you all the Uchiha women."

Itachi smiled at Naruto's look of utter shock. 'I thought he'd be too young to enjoy them yet, but maybe the fox has kicked off his hormones early.'

"You can do that?" Naruto was blown away. He was being given the entire female population of the Uchiha clan!

The Hokage nodded solemnly and blew a couple of smoke rings, adding to the blue haze that filled the courtyard. "Indeed he can. As the oldest living Uchiha, he is clan head and due to the laws written up by the founder of the bloodline, they are property. In one fell swoop he has given you everything you need to rebuild the Kazama clan."

Naruto wasn't quite sure how to feel about this. It was something out of one of the Pervy Sage's novels. Deciding it was a good thing for the moment he gave Itachi a big smile. 'Guess any plans on not changing things is out.'

**A.N. No Beta!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Baked and fried**

"Thank you, Itachi-kun. You have insured the rebirth of my clan." Naruto said formally, quoting one of the Pervy-Sage's lines from Ichi-Ichi 16: The rise of the Hina clan, as he didn't have any other guide on how to act in this situation and this wasn't an uncommon setup for the series.

"It's no trouble at all, Uzamaki-san. Someone of your generosity and thoughtfulness deserves to have a large family." Itachi cradled the scroll, Naruto had given him lovingly for a moment more, before strapping it to his back.

"I'll take good care of them. I have no idea how I'm going to fit them all in my apartment though." Naruto chuckled along with Itachi at the idea of trying to fit dozens of women into his tiny apartment. Itachi's chuckle was a bit toneless, like laughter was almost entirely foreign to him, which contrasted strangely with Naruto's cheerful tone, but they were both smiling.

Saturobi smiled warmly. "I'll open up the Uzamaki compound for them. There's more than enough room for all of them there."

"I have a compound?" Naruto asked, wondering why no one had mentioned this to him before.

"Yes. It's about twice the size of your apartment building with an attached training field and hot springs. It was closed down upon the death of your parents, but the maintenance staff has kept it up, so there shouldn't be any problems. Clan homes are closed down when the number of clan members drops to one, as that's really too few people to keep the place in shape. It also encourages the last member of the clan to rebuild their clan or else allows for an easier transfer to a new clan if they die and while traditionally you'd be given ownership upon marriage, the law is that if there is more than one member of a clan in existence it can be reopened at the Hokage's digression."

"Damn, if I'd know that I would've adopted some of my friends into the clan who's own clan sucked, like Hinata-chan or maybe even Neji and if I could've saved him, Haku. Oh well, I'll see about doing that later, for now we still gotta sneak Itachi past the ANBU death squads!" Naruto said, entirely too cheerfully.

"ANBU death squads?" Itachi asked, the haze from the Hokage's pipe wasn't quite strong enough to keep him completely calm upon hearing that.

"Yeah, but I know a jutsu that'll let you walk past them with a pat on the head. For elite ninja they're really gullible."

"Really?" The Hokage leaned forward curiously, wondering what Naruto, already an aspiring prankster, had in mind.

"Oh, yeah. I can't count the number of times this little jutsu has saved my bacon from them. It's a modified henge technique that plays on the weakness of all adults and males in particular."

Naruto grinned evilly and his hands flashed through over half a dozen signs. "Little Girl Lost no Jutsu!"

There was a puff of smoke obscuring Naruto's form for a moment, before fading away and revealing a blue eyed, little blond girl in a brown hooded cloak. "Excuse me mister," she tugged on Itachi's leg, "can you help me find my daddy? I got lost in the crowd and I can't find him." She sniffed like she was about to cry and was quickly picked up by Itachi.

"There, there. Don't cry. I'll help you find him." Itachi paused, as he realized what he'd just done and carefully set the little blonde girl on the ground.

"That's more than just a henge. **That** is a mongrel genjutsu." Itachi said, noting that it hadn't even occurred to him to use the Sharingan to look through the jutsu, even though he had seen it used right in front of him and that comforting little girls wasn't his normal behavior either.

The blond girl grinned cutely, before a puff of smoke reverted her to his normal form. "Heheh. I was kinda absent the day they covered henge. One of the teachers had drug me off to fill out some paperwork of mine that had gotten misplaced again, so I kinda had to improvise. It takes a lot more chakra and time to cast, but it also works a lot better Just remember not to wear any red cloaks with it or you'll attract cross-dressing cannibalistic pedophiles. Don't ask."

"Excellent work, Naruto, but you aren't due to join the academy for another two years." The Hokage pointed out, deciding **not** to ask, as it sounded like a story he really didn't want to hear about anyway.

Naruto scratched his head. "It hasn't happened yet? Well, damn." Naruto shrugged it off as unimportant. His brain was more than half baked at the moment, so he was sure he was dreaming at this point, because everything felt fuzzy and unreal. He could tell he'd strained some muscles and lightly burned his chakra coils, by forcing jutsu that he didn't really have the control to make work normally at this point in time, but he didn't feel any pain. So, he must be dreaming, right?

Connections were being made in Saturobi's mind, as he thought of Naruto's two bloodlines combined with the power of the demon fox and a great quantity of really excellent weed. 'Naruto's so stoned he's seeing the future!?'

Needless to say, the great quantity of really good weed he'd partaken of himself had done a number on his reasoning skills as well, but it was either Naruto was a seer or he was a time traveler. So the right answer was rather obvious to him, as he'd trained a seer before.

Tsunade had demonstrated mild precognitive abilities, but refused to believe that sake wouldn't work with them after a while, turning her into one of the worst gamblers in history, as she'd get drunk and convinced she knew the future, she'd bet everything and lose heavily. No one was quite sure why she thought alcohol, a known psi suppressant, would activate abilities that required mild hallucinogens to work properly, although Saturobi was leaning towards the idea that she'd seen something horrible happen to a loved one and was unable to stop it, so she drank because subconsciously she knew it would prevent her from seeing anything like that again. Living through a loved one's death was bad enough without the guilt of being unable to stop it from happening and having to witness it again.

'I'll have to keep this a secret and use him sparingly, so Naruto doesn't become a bigger target then he already is. Thankfully, the healing factor he gained as a vessel will keep him from suffering any developmental disabilities from chronic use at this young an age. Damn, my hand looks old. I wonder if liver spots taste different then normal skin.' The Hokage, once again, topped out at the 'Look at my hand, isn't it weird?' stage, as his thoughts wandered way off track again.

Naruto had walked Itachi through the proper behavior for a little girl, who had snuck out to find her kitten and was sneaking home. As it turned out that one of the few gaps in his training was in acting as something other than a mindless killing machine. The jutsu itself was child's play for Itachi to memorize, but the acting was a bit difficult for him. He also found it strange that the jutsu would only work for that exact form, it was like it was developed for that form alone rather than general use, but that was silly. Obviously Itachi was missing some step, but it would work for what he wanted it to do and that was enough for now.

Itachi skipped off to become a missing nin, with Naruto's assurance that he could get him listed as an S-class missing nin, so he wouldn't have to worry about the Leaf sending hunters after him, not to mention the fact that he could charge far more for his services as S-class rather than A-class.

Naruto was so distracted by the sight of the Hokage gnawing on his own hand and the voice in his head singing 'I like big butts and I cannot lie' that he was unable to dodge the small figure that tackled him to the ground in a big hug, as the former Uchiha, now Uzamaki, women came out of hiding with hopeful eyes.

"You saved us!" Cried out the feminine voice of his attacker, as Naruto looked up into a familiar set of features. 'Sasuke?'

**Note: I don't write Yaoi unless it's funny and while I can promise this will be funny, I won't promise it's yaoi. Of course the idea of Sasuke loosing it and thinking he's a girl and chasing Naruto is funny…**


	5. Chapter 5

**Victor-Victoria Sasuke-Sakura?**

Naruto was shaking as the... really, really feminine Sasuke clung to him, thanking him profusely, as he climbed to his feet. Not even all the THC in his system was enough to blunt the weirdness of this situation; he could already feel the soft dreamy feeling wearing off.

"Um... T-the Uzamaki f-family doesn't k-keep slaves. S-so you're all f-free now, just in a d-different clan." Naruto stuttered out, trying hard to repress the urge to fling the severely disturbed boy, who was clinging to him, across the room, but the way he kept murmuring about loving Naruto forever was really testing him.

Naruto was unused to physical affection for most of his life and his younger self seemed to crave physical contact even more then he did when he was older, so the warm feelings he was getting from being hugged and told someone cared about him were conflicting with the thoughts of 'how damn gay' this whole situation was, it was only the fact that they were both way too young for there to be even a slight hint of sexual anything that kept him from panicking and questioning his own sexuality.

He was completely unprepared for the group's response and quickly found himself being hugged by all the women there. Of course he was rather short at this time in his life, so the end effect was that Naruto had his face buried in the cleavage of everyone there at least once and possibly twice, as some jumped back in line to thank him again and the Uchiha women were renown for their curves.

"Heh, Heh. Boobies!" Naruto said dreamily, the soft blurring of reality was back with a vengeance.

"Ohhh, aren't you a lucky one, Sakura-chan, this one seems to be an early bloomer." Sasuke's mother said with a grin.

"This means I don't have to marry Sasuke, right mama?" Sakura asked hopefully.

"Yes, dear, as Uzamaki women, we are free of the rules we had to obey as Uchiha's and we don't even have to change the monograms on the towels." She giggled and waved the pipe smoke of the Hokage, who was currently licking his hand, out of her face.

Naruto was feeling mellow enough at this point that the voice singing 'I'm my own grandpa' in his head didn't bother him a bit.

"Yay! I'm going to marry Naruto!"

And yet again the softness vanished and Naruto was yet again restraining his urge to fling an Uchiha into orbit and run for the border. 'Do missing nin need a hokage?'

"Yes, dear, and unlike your brothers, this one appears to be sane, not that Sasuke-kun didn't appear to be sane either, but looking at how his older brother turned out and seeing how he is now... It'd be a long shot at best."

Naruto's attention was drawn to the small boy curled up in a fetal position in the corner, drooling on himself and muttering 'You go, girl' repeatedly. It was slowly beginning to dawn on him that Sasuke wasn't clinging to him and saying he would love him forever, it was his slightly older sister. 'Those features look a hell of a lot better on a girl then they do a guy.'

Naruto joyously returned her hug, glad that there apparently wasn't any 'Yaoi no Jutsu' going on, although in the back of his mind a small section was noting that Sasuke might have been attracted to his pink haired teammate because she shared the name of his dead sister, who he was to marry. That tiny section of grey matter couldn't decide whether that was more creepy or sad.

"He likes me and he saved us, I'm keeping him!" Sakura-chan announced to the room at large to much giggling.

A swirl of leaves heralded the arrival of Kakashi with sharingan blazing. Taking in the situation at a glance, literally, he relaxed and spoke into his headset, "Situation seems to have been resolved. I need a team of medic-nin and the investigations and interrogation unit. Hold off on the rest until we get all the details."

One of the young women spoke up, "Naruto and the Hokage saved us all, that's what happened. Itachi lost what little sanity he had and was killing everyone. He offered to let Sasuke join him, but Sasuke refused, so he used some kind of genjutsu on him. I didn't hear the name of it, just something about it lasting seventy-two hours, but in ended seconds later and he did it several times to poor little Sasuke-kun." She gestured to the drooling boy.

The rest of the women nodded and one of the older women spoke up, "The Hokage exhausted himself fighting off the jutsu and tricking him into thinking it wasn't working and then Naruto convinced him to leave peacefully and not to kill the rest of us."

Kakashi looked over at the Hokage, now asleep and snoring and then over at Naruto, smiling and hugging a girl a little older then he was, who was looking like he was going to pass out at any moment. "Hey, Uzamaki. Was that what happened?"

Naruto nodded, not really paying attention and then let the built up stress and drugs in his system carry him away, as Kakashi was there and his sensei could take care of things.

It was a shame really, because if Naruto had been awake he could have cleared up a lot of confusion, but considering how things turned out... that might just have been for the best.

**0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0**

Rumors spread through the village council even faster than through the village.

Some were true, at least in part.

"The Uzamaki brat is the Yondaime's son!"

"He's opened up the old Namikaze clan house and placed the remaining Uchiha women there for their own protection, changing their clan to keep Itachi from targeting them."

"The Uchiha heir has been severely traumatized. It'll take years for him to regain his sanity."

Some... somewhat less so.

"The Hokage has been training the Yondaime's heir in secret, that's why he brought him along as backup!"

"The Uchiha were getting a bit too power hungry and Sarutobi decided they were a threat, so he had them eliminated. He's consolidated power by placing their bloodline under control of the Yondaime's heir so it won't happen again."

"He's arranged a marriage between the Uchiha's clan's head's daughter and the Yondaime's heir to make it official."

"Everyone on the council better watch their step, he's got Itachi listed as an S-Class missing nin, when he's really under direct command of the Hokage, so he can make a lot of problems... disappear and no one can prove a thing."

And some were right out!

"Mr.Black is coming and his enemies shall fall dead at his passing!" (Not a MAW crossover)

"Diet sodas taste just the same as regular ones." (They don't)

"Anko has a secret fetish for snakes." (It wasn't a secret)

"These pills I bought will increase the size of my flesh kunai." (There are no pills that will increase the size of any part of the body)

**0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0**

Naruto was going to wake to a world with enough changes to give Sailor Pluto brain cancer. (Not a SM crossover either)

**AN: Sorry, but I think having Sasuke's older sister stalk Naruto will be a lot more fun than having Sasuke do it. I want to have Sasuke try and hold on to his canon Avenger personality with his mom and sister still around to poke holes in it. **


End file.
